


To Think A Lightbulb Don't Blink

by thisislegit



Series: Lupin is Nonbinary [3]
Category: Lupin III
Genre: Body Dysphoria, Date Night, Genderfluid Character, Internal Conflict, Multi, Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-01
Updated: 2020-02-01
Packaged: 2021-02-28 06:34:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,724
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22509397
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thisislegit/pseuds/thisislegit
Summary: Now that he noticed, she was very barefaced except for her long lashes and the warm blush that dotted her cheeks.She was beautiful.He felt self-conscious.How wide were his shoulders in this high collared dress? Was there stubble he missed on his neck that he couldn’t see? Were the straps of his bra outlined by the smooth fabric?
Relationships: Arsène Lupin III/Mine Fujiko, Ishikawa Goemon XIII/Jigen Daisuke/Arsène Lupin III/Mine Fujiko
Series: Lupin is Nonbinary [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1853059
Comments: 4
Kudos: 33





	To Think A Lightbulb Don't Blink

**Author's Note:**

> disclaimer that this is a vent fic, everyone experiences body dysphoria differently and to classify it as a one all be all experience is dangerous
> 
> un-beta'd

Lupin spooned out a bit of the shrimp bisque for a taste test and hummed at the flavor. It needed a little more chili powder before he could say it was finished. Pushing a loose curl behind his ear, he grabbed the bottle and shook out what should’ve been five grams or so. He then gave the pot another stir and popped the lid on top. Hopefully, that was enough. Lupin had bread to get to, next was checking the roast vegetables, then the cake in the fridge needed to have it’s frosting fixed. He’d put the chocolate roses on too soon, and they’d started to slip off when he shoved it into the cool box in an attempt to salvage his work. He sighed and adjusted the straps of his apron.

Tonight was date night.

With Fujiko.

This wasn’t their first date night, not by a long shot, but he was feeling nervous. What made this date night different from all the previous ones was that they were going to do _stuff_. Again, not the first time they’d planned to do _stuff_ , but it would be the first time he’d do stuff with her like he was now. The timer dinged, and Lupin used oven mitts to pull the vegetables out of the oven. The bread took its place so it could toast. It’s not like Fujiko hadn’t tried to approach him with it while he was feeling more comfortable, but he’d always chicken out when the skirt was being pushed down his legs. Or when the zipper of his dress was being undone. Or when the back of his bra was unhooked. He didn’t want to admit it came from insecurity. It didn’t. Just because he was hyper aware of all the curves she had and all the ones he put on didn’t mean anything. He didn’t feel like a faker when she’d rub a hand down his hip or curl her fingers into the orange hair of his wig. No sir. He was tip top. He was simply shy, that’s all.

Lupin wiped his hands on a dish towel and went over to the fridge to open the door and peer inside at the cake. The frosting was pink and candy pearls dressed the bottom like a necklace. White chocolate roses sat on the top in the center like a small bouquet, and a darker red chocolate had been dripped down the sides giving the dessert a more decadent appearance. He breathed a sigh of relief to see the fridge had saved it before the roses were too far gone. Smiling to himself, Lupin dashed back to the stove and opened the lid on the soup to give it another taste. Now there was too much chili powder. Maybe she wouldn’t notice? Maybe she wouldn’t point it out if she did notice? It was too late to add something like potatoes to it, and if he did he’d have to add more salt. What if this was a sign? He always got this soup perfectly before and now he was having problems with it. It didn’t make sense. Did that mean tonight would go poorly? Would he back out again? Ruin the mood? Would she hate him?

The timer dinged and he stepped back to open the oven. The bread was toasted. He was overthinking things. He needed to calm down. Hell, why was he even panicking? Fujiko was transparent when she wasn’t trying to trick him into doing her work for her. As far as he knew, there wasn’t anything worth stealing coming in or out of town, and she’d just finished a heist of her own a few days ago. She was sitting in money, and how happy she sounded when she called him to arrange their date meant she’d be set for a couple of months before the itch to get more returned.

He started arranging the bread and sides onto fancy trays and plates. Should he serve tea or coffee? If she saw coffee would she take that as an invitation to start early? He had a bottle of wine he could open that would go great with everything, but he wasn’t sure if he wanted to drink for this date. He couldn’t get tipsy or worse drunkenly stumble into bed like this. Would it be easier? Yes. Would he feel guilty or have more guttural reactions to things during? Very yes. Better to keep that bottle in the cabinet. Lupin wasn’t going to fumble through this. He grabbed the iced tea he kept in the fridge and moved it into a nicer pitcher with several balls of frozen ice. He sliced some fruit into it as well because why the hell not? Out that went to the table with the rest of the display.

“Ma-ri-e!” Fujiko’s voice called from the front doors.

She was early.

“Fu-ji-ko!” Lupin rounded the corner into the kitchen before she approached the living room and said, “Make yourself comfortable.”

He still had to bowl the soup, but he listened hard for which way she was going in the house. First there was the click of heels, a pause, the padding of footsteps going from wood to marble, and finally the feeling of two slender hands curving over his hips.

“Am I early?” Fujiko had to stand on her tiptoes to rest her chin on his shoulder.

“Just in time.”

She watched as he ladled enough soup into each bowl just so the two shrimps that floated on top would curve like a heart. “You wore the blue dress. Was that for me?”

It was a rhetorical question. He knew she liked him in blue, but he popped the lid on the pot after setting the ladle aside. Fujiko’s hands went from his hips to the small of his back and undid the bow of his apron. His heart sped up in his chest, and he swallowed against the lump forming in his throat. Lupin pulled the lapel from the back of his neck and folded the apron onto the oven handle.

He was fine.

“Fujiko dear~,” Lupin let his arms fall around her waist and lifted her up to kiss her square on the lips. “How was Azores?”

“Terrible. The asshole who I was cutting a deal with shot me.” She gave him another kiss at the corner of his mouth.

“What!”

“Don’t worry. His bullet only grazed my arm. I didn’t miss.”

He set her onto her feet. “Is he alive?”

“Probably. He was yelling at me from the ocean while my plane took off.” Fujiko took both bowls of soup and left the kitchen.

Lupin followed close behind to take everything in. Fujiko was in a little red dress that hugged her in all the ways he liked. Black stockings with a rose pattern curved over her long legs, and her hair was meticulously pinned to look like a curly messy bun. She set their bowls down giving him a better view of the front. Fujiko left her bangs to curve around her cheeks. The collar of her dress dipped low showing off her assets. Her lips were a faint pink, but it’d come from Lupin’s lipstick instead of her own. Now that he noticed, she was very barefaced except for her long lashes and the warm blush that dotted her cheeks.

She was beautiful.

He felt self-conscious.

How wide were his shoulders in this high collared dress? Was there stubble he missed on his neck that he couldn’t see? Were the straps of his bra outlined by the smooth fabric? Did the little diamond providing a peep of his chest make the contouring of his breasts look weird or small or off or-.

“Marie, sit down.” Fujiko took one of his hands and his train of thought paused.

He sat down. He didn’t know what else to do. They were supposed to be eating and catching up, and he was panicking over nothing. Lupin filled both of their glasses his movements a little stiffer than usual. Did she notice?

“How’d you get rid of grump one and grump two?”

“Because of your perfect timing. Jigen’s been wanting to take Goemon to some casino downtown, and he finally broke down and agreed this morning.” He clinked their glasses together and took a long sip.

“I’m not paying bail money when he gets caught counting cards again.”

“Jigen only counts cards when he sees the dealer doing it. Besides, I’m more worried about Goemon and the slots.”

They both shuddered at the thought. The swordsman’s timing was too perfect at times, and it always caught the attention of the casino owner if he stuck around for too long. Inevitably, a fight would break out, and the clean-up was awful.

“Did you make this all by yourself?” Fujiko brought a spoonful of the bisque to her lips.

“Fujicakes, you don’t think I’d pass take out as my own food, do you?”

“Well, you made too much soup to dump cartons of it into a pot.”

Lupin gave her a pleased smile and broke a piece off his bread slice. Dipping it into his bowl to try it, he couldn’t even taste that he added too much chili powder. Talk about lucky. He managed to get another bite in when he felt a hand on his thigh. He forced himself not to pull his leg away as he gave Fujiko his attention.

“Tell me what I missed while I was gone.” Fujiko rubbed her thumb along the blue fabric.

“O-o-of course.”

Lupin told her about the things they did around work. He tried not to let slip what they’d stolen in the few months she was gone, just in case. She probably already knew since she liked to keep tabs on them, but the final outcome of whether it was sold or remained in a hidden stash was something that went unpublished in newspapers. Jigen had been knitting like crazy to get everyone ready for winter trips. Sometimes he or Goemon would help by holding the yarn or making sure an ashtray was nearby so Jigen wouldn’t tap the excess from his cigarettes into the basket by his chair. When he seemed to be getting too into talking about the other two, Fujiko made sure to divert the conversation topic back to him. Things like how he’d been doing, what strange gadgets he was working on, or who he’d talked to recently, and it was easy. It was easy to relax as the food grew sparse and the space between them shrank.

How he felt about Fujiko was different than how he felt about Jigen or Goemon. When he thought of his feelings for Goemon, it was like waking up in the morning. You knew it was going to happen. It was comfortable to expect, reliable, bright and fuzzy. Somedays the light would shine directly in his eyes, and he’d fumble to find his footing until the warmth from the sun grounded him. His feelings for Jigen were more like coming back home. Yeah, sometimes things picked up dust here and there, but nothing was broken, and after a little cleaning everything looked well-loved and cared for. He never had trouble falling back into the rhythm they’d crafted together. For Fujiko, that feeling of familiarity wasn’t stronger or weaker, but it was like every time they saw each other after a pause he’d get to fall in love with her again. Her smile, her touches, her truths, her lies, all of them there for Lupin to relearn and remember and embrace until he got so choked up that the urge to do something overwhelmed anything else.

She was so smart.

She was so wonderful.

_She was placing a hand onto his waist and pressing her breasts into his arm._

“Marie,” Her voice was sultry as she looked at him with half-lidded eyes. “Do you have room for dessert?”

Had she asked him that in any other circumstance his pants would’ve floated away with the wind, but this dress was hugged him too nicely to do that and anxiety began to crawl up his throat.

“Cake! I made you a cake. I’ll be right back.” Lupin was out of his seat and in the kitchen before she had time to respond.

Why was he freaking out? _Why was he freaking out?_ It was his idea to even have sex like this, and he was freaking out! He needed to breathe. Think about how good Fujiko felt all those other times with her lovely thighs pressing into his cheeks, and how her squishy stomach was so fun to kiss and send her into a fit a giggles. He reminded himself how good her slender hands felt around him, on him, inside him doing all sorts of wicked things that would have him crossing his legs just thinking about it. He thought about how her dainty fingers would dig into his shoulders, or run over his neck while he reacquainted himself with her busty chest.

Yet, even as he was bringing the cake out with a knife and a couple of small plates his mind decided to rebuke him. His thighs were stubbly no matter how he shaved as the hairs would sprout not two days after his efforts. His stomach, though fit, had it’s own fur and wouldn’t be fun to kiss at all. His hands were big with palms covered in cuts and fingers so rough and calloused he needed to keep hand cream on him all the time. The breasts he had on weren’t even real, just latex and gelatin in a realistic mold he’d spent months making. There was nothing dainty. There was nothing squishy or slender. There was nothing busty or soft or real about him like this.

There never would be.

Lupin had the worlds best poker face when he wanted to, and this was another one of those evenings. He was not about to let his shitty brain ruin tonight for Fujiko. He bottled up the churning feeling in his stomach and cut her a slice of cake after she ooh’d and ah’ed at his efforts.

“Say aaahhh,” Fujiko held out a forkful to his lips.

“Aaahh!” Lupin took the offering and let out a pleased hum.

The cake turned out great, and it was better to think about how he could try using buttercream instead of whipped cream next time.

“Oh, you’ve got something on your face, Marie.”

Lupin blinked at Fujiko waiting for her to use a napkin or her thumb but her lips met the corner of his. Suddenly, she was kissing him and for once he didn’t know where to put his hands. Her hands knew exactly where to go as they fondled his sides and curved around his ass to pull their bodies closer. Lupin felt like he was along for the ride when he opened his mouth for her tongue to slip inside. A weak moan escaped his lips. This felt good. He felt good. Physically speaking, Fujiko was hitting all the right buttons, but his hands found her shoulders and gave her a light push.

Fujiko leaned back, her brows furrowed, the confusion clear in her expression.

“Let’s go to the bedroom. My legs are too long for this couch,” Lupin offered.

The confused gaze turned seductive as Fujiko dipped a finger into the diamond of his dress, “I _can_ do you harder on a mattress. Let’s go.”

How that comment filled him with both excitement and terror he’d never know. Soon they were off the couch and heading up the staircase. Lupin took them two at a time to narrowly avoid the fingers grazing along the bottom of his dress. He’d done that to Fujiko so many times it was weird having it done to him. Sometimes a palm would stroke the back of his bare thigh and he had to muffle an “eep”! The doorknob to his bedroom came under his palm too fast and not fast enough. He would be fine. This would be fine.

Fujiko’s hands cupped his ass from behind, and he was tumbling into the bedroom. She usually wasn’t this handy unless she wanted something, but maybe she was excited too? If that were the case, he could try letting her excitement take over. That would make this easier.

Standing by the bed, he turned around in time to see her dress fall to the floor in a heap. Her lingerie was so pretty. A lacy black bra that made the color of her skin pop and matching panties. Kinda weird since he didn’t see the matching underwear set unless she planned on tricking him or was about to seduce some big shot and needed the insurance in case her clothes came off.

“You match.” The words came out before he could stop them. He hoped his tone wasn’t suspicious.

Fujiko brushed him off to wrap her arms around his shoulders. “It’s a special occasion.” She undid the hook of his dress behind his neck. “Only beautiful ladies get this display.”

Lupin’s face grew warm and he shivered as she drew the zipper down his back.

“You’re usually out of your clothes faster than this.” She kissed the hollow of his collarbone. “Are you feeling shy, Marie?”

“A little.”

“Don’t worry. I’ll take care of you~.”

Lupin’s legs hit the edge of the bed, and he landed on his back. Fujiko placed both hands onto his knees coaxing him towards the middle of the bed. The way her breasts moved as she crawled over him should’ve been exciting. The peak of a nipple should’ve had his dick stretching out his panty line. Her hands wandering on and over him soon to be tweaking and pinching and rubbing just so should’ve turned him into a metaphorical pile of goo like it always did, but the head and the heart didn’t always agree.

All he could think about is how he didn’t want her hands lingering too long over his stubbly thighs. How her lips were sucking marks into his neck he’d likely miss-shaven although he’d gone over it dozens of times with the razor. How her hands fondled breasts that weren’t real before she tugged down the straps of his bra. How she moved his hairy, calloused, beaten-up hands to grab her butt to coax them closer together. How he didn’t want her touch his ugly body. How he didn’t want her to look. Why would she want to look? Why would she want to touch? She shouldn’t look. She shouldn’t touch me. It’s wrong. I’m all wrong. Don’t look at me. _Don’t look at me. Don’t look at me. Don’t look at me!_

 ** _Don’t look at me_**!

“Marie!”

Lupin opened his eyes. When did he close them? Fujiko wiped the tears from his cheeks, and his arms fell limp to the bed. “I’m sorry.”

Fujiko moved to lay down beside him. “What’s going on with you?”

“I don’t know.”

He wanted to know. He wanted to know why he couldn’t just go through with it. They’d done it before. He had the parts. She had the tools. It was an insert plug A into socket B job no matter how he framed it in his mind, and logically he could separate the pieces needed to make things happen. So why did his stomach feel like jelly? Why did he want to grab at his arms and pull and pull at the skin until he lost all feeling in them? His brain turned into a hamster wheel, and the little shit wouldn’t stop running even when it desperately needed water. He felt raw. Exposed. Nasty. He wasn’t going to be sick, but he rubbed the balls of ankles together to try and focus on something else. Gather his thoughts. Separate the real from the fake. The real him? The fake him? He blinked away more tears. He got the waterproof mascara, but was his eyeliner okay?

“Let’s start with what you do know then. What’s going through that head of yours?”

What was going through his head? Everything? Nothing? Too many things. It would be helpful if he knew where to start, but the raw nakedness he felt in his underwear did the opposite of soothing him. He pushed himself into a sitting position and looked around. Where was it? There. Under the pillows. He grabbed the soft throw blanket and wrapped himself in it like a shield. There was nothing under the fabric she hadn’t seen before. He closed his eyes and counted his breaths. Was he jealous of Fujiko? Was he jealous of her body, or was he disgusted with his own? Was it both of those things? Lupin wanted what she had but not her stuff specifically, he wanted his own stuff like she had her own stuff. At least that’s what he thought? He didn’t know. His head never did this when they had sex and he was Lupin, did it?

Not with her it didn’t, but sometimes with Jigen or Goemon he’d try to make himself smaller and the mood would shift immediately. He recalled shifting away from touches or getting antsy. Things would slow down after that. Jigen’s voice would get softer, or Goemon would go completely quiet. They never actually finished. Oh shit. Maybe this was a bigger problem than he was willing to admit.

“I think I’m developing a weird relationship with sex and my body.”

Fujiko nodded and rubbed his covered bicep. “Go on.”

“I can’t. I don’t know what else to say. There’s a lot running through here at the moment.”

“What do you want to do then?”

What _did_ he want to do?

Fujiko seemed happy enough to spend time with him, and Lupin knew he wouldn’t be able to talk without rambling nonsense or going eerily quiet on his end. Sex sounded awful. He hoped he’d never have that sentence pop through his head again. Cuddling sounded nice though. The more he thought about them just snuggling under the warm blankets until they fell asleep, the more appealing the idea became.

“Cake, cuddle, and tell me what you’ve been up to?”

She smiled at him in a way that made her eyes light up and his stomach fill with butterflies. “Sounds good to me.”

**Author's Note:**

> this is not to say that marie bangs strictly under heteronormative situations, this is hyper specific in that first times can be hard, and feelings about bodies can get weird until we figure out how to untangle them
> 
> when shes comfortable best believe fujiko rails her
> 
> also this might have a second funny chapter, but im sitting on it until i decide if i like it or not


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